Moving, writing, and positive disruption

Or...why I haven't written in a while

Photo by Anna Hecker on Unsplash

I could say I’ve struggled to write recently, but that wouldn’t be true.  I haven’t been struggling, agonizing, railing against writer’s block, or anything like that. Nope, I just have a lot going on in my inner and outer life. Writing has been like a mental program running minimized, waiting until I could get back to it with my full attention. 

I finally have more than a moment to sit and reflect, and so, I’d like to share a bit about my present journey in writing and living.  My current phase of disruption began in late October 2023 when I took a trip to a hand spinning retreat, followed by an unplanned visit my son. Then in December out of frustration with the slow pace of our house construction project, my husband and I took a lovely trip to Hawaii to get away from the mess. Once we got back, we still had a month’s wait before we could move in¹.  But move in we did, beginning on Feb 9^th, 2024. After four years of house demolition, redesign, and then construction amid Covid supply disruptions, we’re finally beginning to inhabit our new home. My intention is to move only what truly feels coherent into the new house and then figure out what to do with everything else, and so we’re moving in phases.  This is possible because we’ve been living nearby and have continued access to that place. As of this writing, we’ve had movers in twice to move some furniture and my husband and I have moved numerous small loads with our car and truck.

 As I recount all of this, it’s not surprising I haven’t found the dedicated time that writing requires, but I was surprised.  There’s always time to do something you care about, right?  Well, not always.

This time has been crazy and chaotic. I have been surprised (again) to find that I’m tired and keep getting little viral illnesses. I am not a creative chaos type of person no matter how much I might wish I was; this move has reinforced that self-understanding.  I, alas, am kind of ordered.  As a doctor, I liked my procedure tray predictably organized before starting a procedure.  The types of procedures I did, often under emergency conditions, went best and I could minimize mistakes (like sticking myself with a needle) by creating very specific order in the chaos. During moving, I expected I would be able to do the same sort of thing because, hey, I worked and lived with the evolving unknown throughout my career and raising kids. What could go wrong? I quickly discovered that the crossover skills from critical care medicine to ordinary life disruption have their limits. Moving 65 years’ worth of life’s collections defies being ordered, especially since I have the intention to release things and ways of being that no longer serve me as I move. But I also want to honor and cherish the things and represented stories…something not as simple as I thought.

Moving, even from nearby, has been messy and disordered despite my attempts at structure. Physical items are all in new, often unsettled places, so even ordinary things like getting dressed or eating were tinged with the obstacles and inconveniences of missing or out of place things.  I have moved lots of times in the past, so I was surprised (seems like a theme) at how tiring this move has been for me.  I can work well out of a suitcase, but this was much more disordered than a suitcase. On a trip, everything is either in the suitcase or it’s not. During moving, however, things could be anywhere: in a box, a drawer, in a vehicle, garage, the old house, the new house and in any room of either house. The first few weeks I spent a lot of my time just looking for something I wanted to use or needed. It was stressful and used up time. I usually rely on my large visual memory of where things are located, but my system broke down during this move.  Since the move was just down the road, we didn’t have an inventory or label the boxes. Rather, we grabbed stuff we needed or wanted to move and drove them to the new house on various trips.  And so, my usual methods of item location didn’t work. This gives me fodder for learning more about how my mind processes things, but mostly this gave me stress. Basically, my routines and processing methods were all disrupted.  That’s a good opportunity for growth and change, right? It’s also disorienting and stressful.

This effort of moving, relocating things, learning new systems in a new house, although exciting and creative, continue to take more life force energy than I expected. And, of course, there are still contractors and subcontractors in my house most days while they work the bugs out of systems and fix things that don’t work.

This week, one thing not working was a brand-new washing machine that was leaking soap from its underside and oozing out the back. Men came on two different days to investigate and so far, what we know is that soap leaking isn’t right and needs to be fixed. How is another question as we wait for the repair group to figure out who has the necessary knowledge to fix it. Meanwhile, inconveniences and laundry pile up.  Additionally, some household ventilation fans were installed upside down, so someone was in removing wallboard and the fans will have to be reinstalled correctly. Then, wallboard will have to be replaced, texture redone and then the area repainted. That’s how things are right now. Lots of people fixing lots of things and some needed systems not functioning.

 Part of our construction project includes a greenhouse, because where we live the growing season is very short and I like to grow some of my own food. It supports my values of sustainability and self-reliance. But the systems don’t all work yet, so I had the irrigation contractor out getting the system programmed…resulting in flooding the floor from an overly long timer.  Oops! Fortunately, soil is absorbent, and we readjusted the programming. The water woke up pill bugs who hatched and ate the parsley I had just planted….

 Yes, I’m grateful and privileged to have a new house with these problems, but it’s still stressful. All these adjustments and contractor visits are necessary for the house to eventually work and run well, but they don’t create very good creative space for writing, or for inner exploration, or for feeling rested.  Instead, the days are full of appointments and people coming and going and the next thing I know, the day is nearly done and I’m tired. 

---

All this activity is good enough explanation for not writing for a while, but as I settle down to write this and inquire, I find I also have some resistance to writing and posting again. I sit in my solarium room where all my house plants are finally settled and happy-appearing. I become quiet and feel more deeply into what asks to be explored.

I am surprised by the answer.  I realize that I’m bothered -uncomfortable even - by this idea of influencer culture. What does it mean to be an influencer or a content creator? How am I involved in this evolving online communication system? 

Until I started writing on Substack, I’ve been minimally present on social media.  I’m of a generation that still remembers when privacy was valued and was a right, before one’s data belonged to companies rather than oneself. I remember when I had a name, address, and birthdate, not data.  I know some of you remember this, too. I’ve been skeptical and distrusting of social media platforms.

But I wanted to share my writing, and many of you encouraged me to do so. Substack makes it easy to write and post with a small learning curve. Writing continues to belong to the writer as opposed to other sites where the site’s company owns everything that is posted. And so, I started using this platform just over a year ago².  I like it and find it pretty easy to use.

Substack also provides the writer with statistics of various sorts and notifications when someone new subscribes.  There are tools and suggestions for ways to build readership and to get new subscribers plus the possibility of monetizing through subscriptions. I get weekly emails describing the latest new, exciting features and examples of writers who are doing great building their followings³!  I am ambitious and competitive by nature (my siblings know this); I like to win when playing games or in competitions. But my values align with win-win situations, so I have a push-pull relationship with my drive to do things well and win. At heart, I don’t want to beat anyone, or get something so someone else can’t have whatever it is. I want everyone to win. But on these new communication sites, we are all in competition for readers’ time and attention. For many, there is also the hustle of attracting paying subscribers.

Of course, I want people to read what I write, otherwise I’d just write and hide or discard it. But marketing, monetizing, and competing isn't the point for me. However, I feel the inner pull of the challenge, the lure of the prize of higher numbers. So, I’m checking my motivations to keep my values and drive in alignment.  I want to ensure I am responding to the right sort of challenge - that from my inner creativity and the desire to be of service - and not responding automatically to a social ecosystem.

 I ask myself, “How much am I writing and posting because I am competing and how much because I value what I have to say and want to share it with others?”  I’ll own that it’s fun to see the numbers get bigger and experience people writing appreciative comments. I felt a bit guilty (or negatively reinforced) by seeing my numbers drop while I wasn’t posting very often. But I don’t want to slip into the trap of writing for numbers or as a people-pleasing, attention-seeking exercise. I want to write and post because I’m inspired and have something to share.

What I really want is to be in integrity - with myself and my readers - not playing a game. Nothing wrong with the game, I just don’t want to be playing it. I don’t want to be anything false or fake. I don’t want to waste a reader’s time and I don’t want to pander to readers for the sake of winning game points. 

I want to be clear; I think writers deserve to be paid for their work and Substack offers a good setting for people to do that while maintaining control and independence over their work.

But, how about me? People writing on these platforms are often called influencers. Am I striving to be an influencer?  What is an influencer anyway? Since I wasn’t sure, I looked it up and here’s what I learned. An influencer is someone who gains and leverages large social media followings to influence people’s buying decisions. It’s the world of affiliate links, capturing advertisement revenue, and other revenue streams for products they promote but didn’t create.  Content creators, on the other hand, leverage their own expertise using social media to attract customers to their own products or services.  A simple google search reveals a whole world of information about how to make money as an influencer or content creator. Both require a large and continuous online presence and likely a great deal of time generating lots of content and attracting attention through maneuvering within search engine algorithms. These are professions of the digital age. Influencers and content creators compete intensively for views and attention which can encourage more and more extreme behaviors to get noticed and monetized.

I have no interest in doing any of that and I have little likelihood of being successful because I don’t want to put in the effort required. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to have influence on readers, however, I’m thinking of influence differently in a non-capitalistic way.

I’m thinking of influence as a natural result of stories and relationships, wherein we influence one another consciously without deceit. In the best of situations, we apply our influence to inspire one another to grow, to love more deeply, to think more clearly, to be more authentic.

This is how I hope and intend to use what influence I bring.  

Life is full of games, some of them fun, some of them not so much. Engaging with any system requires learning rules, norms, and processes, and then deciding when to play and when to opt out. With the expectations and evolving norms of systems, especially in the rapidly changing environment of digital communication, one can very easy to get lost in the game and lose one’s way.

---

I was to discover my underlying sense of resistance wasn’t about personal failure or laziness, but rather my inner self calling out my discomfort and concerns about navigating digital communications while remaining in integrity. Involvement with online communication is fraught with possibilities to conform and compromise one’s values and intentions, and I needed to revisit my feelings, beliefs, and intentions about this. In fact, surprise seems to be a theme for me right now, a gateway to growth in the face of disruption.  We are living in times of great disruption and rapid change. Remaining in alignment with one’s values and integrity can’t be taken for granted.

What I thought I could do and what I can actually do when my processes were disrupted are quite different. I am learning to give myself grace and rest, but even that – acceptance of my limitations in changing circumstances – takes awareness. Otherwise, I’ll just reenact old self-harmful or outdated patterns. And awareness takes dedication, attention, and commitment which are all easily compromised during disruption. Surprise might be a useful signal to pay attention.

Navigating this rapidly changing, ever evolving world of digital communication will require frequent reassessments to stay in right relationship with myself, the messages that come through, and my intention to hold up a light in difficult times.  That emerging light is what I intend to investigate and share as I wonder, ponder, and explore my way forward with you.

Solar eclipse. Photo by Good Free Photos on Unsplash

1. For those of you who are new to my story, we had to demolish our house in 2019 due to mold, rodents, and poor construction. We have been in various phases of reconstruction since then. However, we had settled into a semblance of routine in our temporary place.

2. I learned about Substack by beginning to read the writings of historian Heather Cox Richardson on her Substack newsletter “Letters from an American”.

3. This not meant as an ad for Substack. I’m just sharing what I’ve experienced with the site.